Lost: unable to find one’s way; not knowing one’s whereabouts. If there’s one word to describe my life at the moment… that’s gotta be it. To be quite honest, I’m feeling more chaos & pressure than I ever have before. I don’t know where I’m headed. I don’t know what my “purpose” is, or if I even have one. And I certainly have no idea what the next 10 years will look like, let alone the rest of this week.
I had a long FaceTime call w/ my mom yesterday morning where all of that was debunked & discussed. She told me no one in their twenties really has it figured out & what social media promotes is essentially a “fake” idea or illusion that we all do. I told her it’s not so much a matter of being fake or not. But rather the fact we are living in a curated world where we have the power to show only certain aspects of our lives.
So so sweet, & yet sometimes sour. Let me tell ya, this has been quite the summer. You’ve all seen the highlights. The peaceful & pretty moments. However, I moved states with really no plan or purpose. I also flew back to Wa (for weeks at a time) twice within a two months time span. Do I absolutely love this new life? YES. Best decision ever. Yet the process of getting settled seemed to be a never ending cycle. It felt like one obstacle after another was thrown at me.
Since living in Arizona, I’ve also been bombarded with the same 3 questions:
“You at ASU?”
“Well why’d you move here?”
“Oh, well you’re just not doing school then?”
When I respond, people are 9/10 times speechless, or simply continue asking why I chose not to further my education past a 2yr degree. It seems like no one my age can wrap their head around why I came here if it wasn’t for college. These short conversations have truly opened my eyes even further to the social constructs we normalize as a society & other prominent illusions surrounding us. Sometimes I feel like I’m living my life wrong because I didn’t follow the herd. Like I’m crazy for choosing a different path.
When I quiet the noise and go within, I know I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I haven’t found a thrilling career path yet, or a job that allows my passions to flourish. But I can certainly say I have found myself. I’ve found my worth & realized what I’m capable of. Taking this time & space to be in my own energy/ presence has allowed me the necessary room to grow,
that I otherwise wouldn’t have gotten. I was previously so depressed, low vibrational, full of self-hatred, anxiety ridden, etc. And now here I am, a strong ass optimistic & independent woman. It has officially been a year since starting on what’s often referred to as the “healing journey”. 12 full months of making the conscious decision to work on both my mental & physical health as a whole.
Shadow work. Self-reflection. Cycle breaking. Laughing. Crying. Confusion.
5 steps forward. 3 steps back.
All of the above!
This growth also unintentionally led to outgrowing people, places, patterns—
basically anything that used to serve that old version of myself. I was no longer in alignment with my environment. Somehow I had outgrown my surroundings yet also finally reached a point of comfortability. I was too comfortable, to the point of stagnancy. No matter how happy I was, I knew I couldn’t just sit in that energy & expect to evolve further. Simply followed my intuition & the universe worked in mysterious ways to push me further ahead.
All attachments to the past began physically crumbling away before my own two eyes. Multiple family members I had lived close to my whole life moved away, my great grandma passed, several friendships I thought would last forever drifted into nothing, my little hammy died & I was forced to give up my bunny- both from a previous relationship, my first car from HS quite literally broke down about 8 hours in on the drive here, etc. Literally everything I once knew had magically disintegrated.
Talk about being lost! It felt like all odds were against me. However, it all turned out to be one massive blessing in disguise. Each event secretly only nudged me a little further in the right direction until I finally could take this leap of faith on my own. New girl. New home. New car. New environment. A brand new chapter in this crazy book of life. Since being in az, I’ve learned the chaos never really ends though. And neither does the healing. No one talks about transitional periods like so. And so, here I am… reminder for myself & others. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to be lost. It’s okay to live day by day. This is what I wanted, this is what I asked for, and this is what I need. No matter how scary or uncomfortable, I have zero attachment to absolutely anything! I am free to be whoever, do whatever, and live however. There’s no plan. There’s no past. There’s just the pretty present. Life ily. Ur weird and crazy and a never ending hot mess of adventures. Thx for helping me rediscover me. I can’t wait to see what you have in store.
Mind, Body & Soul 