Identity crisis

Self-love is a self explanatory concept I suppose. But is it as simple as we’re conditioned to believe?

We’re taught that this is attained by mastering the ability to unconditionally love & cherish all parts of ourselves. To honor ourselves. To have a strong sense of self-worth.

After about a decade of bad body image & insecurity, I thought that’s what I was not only working on for the last 12 months, but had actually overcome & finally accomplished.

This past year I truly & whole heartedly believed to have “found myself”. I dedicated hours on end to rewriting myself & my life. I worked hard to become this woman I’d be proud of.

I began to not only love myself physically, but both mentally & emotionally as well… something I had never experienced before. I used to hate my appearance. Hate my mind. Hate my complexities, sensitivities, etc. I wanted to be anyone other than myself.

After making the conscious decision to work on my mental & physical health, I reached a peak. Peak level happiness. Peak level peace. Peak level stability. Peak level confidence. All of the above & more.

However since moving states, I have been pushed to learn & grow even further than I thought possible. For the SECOND time. To be completely transparent, I have been struggling financially. I’ve had to get very particular with my priorities & what I spend money on.

This “detox” first started with natural brows. No esty bestie mama to give me the homie hookup anymore. Next I canceled my tanning membership. Then the hair extensions came out. Shortly after, I had my lash extensions removed. Now the acrylic nails are off. And finally I made the choice to for some reason chop all my hair off.

These sound like minor first world problems… which that they are. Although, they were still parts & pieces of myself that held great significance for so so long. I’ve had fake nails for almost SIX years. I’ve had fake lashes for almost 3 years & wore strip lashes since junior high. Long hair, clean brows & tan skin are also general beauty standards in the world of a woman.

Sure, maybe I did accomplish my goal of self-love. Fully decked out & done up, I was in love with myself for months on end. Yet this love was conditional. It took these things being stripped away for me to clearly see how when I am my most authentic self, I don’t actually feel like myself. It’s a messy mind game & one I’m just now learning how to win.

With all being said, I’m starting to understand that maybe I don’t actually know who I am… & I only know this picture perfect version of myself that was created ages ago. A girl curated merely by societal expectations, & once again- beauty standards. By having to give up these small things, I realized what a huge mask I was actually hiding behind.

From the highest of highs to the lowest low, I fell short & let myself sink into somewhat of an identity crisis. Sometimes I stand in the mirror & truthfully don’t recognize the girl looking back at me. I’ll look at old photos & tell myself once I can afford to be pretty again, I will be happy again.

Self- love isn’t easy. It isn’t surface level. And as clearly seen, It doesn’t come over night. Sometimes it comes to you, the skill is mastered, & you still have to do it all over again. It comes with uncovering old wounds & facing them head on. It comes with determination & dedication to yourself.

I’m SO proud & beyond happy with the person I’ve become. I love my mind & who I am as a human being. Though this final phase is bittersweet. With nothing & no one to hide behind, it’s really just me learning to actually love my most authentic self ❤