Self-love is a self explanatory concept I suppose. But is it as simple as we’re conditioned to believe?

We’re taught that this is attained by mastering the ability to unconditionally love & cherish all parts of ourselves. To honor ourselves. To have a strong sense of self-worth.

After about a decade of bad body image & insecurity, I thought that’s what I was not only working on for the last 12 months, but had actually overcome & finally accomplished.

This past year I truly & whole heartedly believed to have “found myself”. I dedicated hours on end to rewriting myself & my life. I worked hard to become this woman I’d be proud of.

I began to not only love myself physically, but both mentally & emotionally as well… something I had never experienced before. I used to hate my appearance. Hate my mind. Hate my complexities, sensitivities, etc. I wanted to be anyone other than myself.

After making the conscious decision to work on my mental & physical health, I reached a peak. Peak level happiness. Peak level peace. Peak level stability. Peak level confidence. All of the above & more.

However since moving states, I have been pushed to learn & grow even further than I thought possible. For the SECOND time. To be completely transparent, I have been struggling financially. I’ve had to get very particular with my priorities & what I spend money on.

This “detox” first started with natural brows. No esty bestie mama to give me the homie hookup anymore. Next I canceled my tanning membership. Then the hair extensions came out. Shortly after, I had my lash extensions removed. Now the acrylic nails are off. And finally I made the choice to for some reason chop all my hair off.

These sound like minor first world problems… which that they are. Although, they were still parts & pieces of myself that held great significance for so so long. I’ve had fake nails for almost SIX years. I’ve had fake lashes for almost 3 years & wore strip lashes since junior high. Long hair, clean brows & tan skin are also general beauty standards in the world of a woman.

Sure, maybe I did accomplish my goal of self-love. Fully decked out & done up, I was in love with myself for months on end. Yet this love was conditional. It took these things being stripped away for me to clearly see how when I am my most authentic self, I don’t actually feel like myself. It’s a messy mind game & one I’m just now learning how to win.

With all being said, I’m starting to understand that maybe I don’t actually know who I am… & I only know this picture perfect version of myself that was created ages ago. A girl curated merely by societal expectations, & once again- beauty standards. By having to give up these small things, I realized what a huge mask I was actually hiding behind.

From the highest of highs to the lowest low, I fell short & let myself sink into somewhat of an identity crisis. Sometimes I stand in the mirror & truthfully don’t recognize the girl looking back at me. I’ll look at old photos & tell myself once I can afford to be pretty again, I will be happy again.

Self- love isn’t easy. It isn’t surface level. And as clearly seen, It doesn’t come over night. Sometimes it comes to you, the skill is mastered, & you still have to do it all over again. It comes with uncovering old wounds & facing them head on. It comes with determination & dedication to yourself.

I’m SO proud & beyond happy with the person I’ve become. I love my mind & who I am as a human being. Though this final phase is bittersweet. With nothing & no one to hide behind, it’s really just me learning to actually love my most authentic self ❤

Unconscious: lack of awareness

This is the initial state society programs us to withhold. The state where you’re physically unaware of the ego. It is therefore fragile, overactive, & a driving factor in most reactive behavior.

Ego awareness:

Connected to inner self/ world. Able to distinguish ego based stories & thoughts as separate from self. Notices when the ego is activated (triggered). Less attached to ego stories as “truth”. Conscious awareness goes in & out.

Conscious:

Self-aware/ practices self observation. Consistently able to identify ego triggers & stories. Able to respond rather than react. Ego still active, however it does not drive behaviors, choices, habits or patterns.

Integration:

Often referred to as an “ego death”. Full acceptance of the shadow self & all emotional states. The awareness beyond our thoughts where life experiences no longer need to be assigned meaning. Emotional mastery.

• You’re never truly free until you break free from the herd. Seeking validation in a lost society submerged with cultural conditioning is a game no one wins.

• I love you. But I’ve learned to love myself more. I can’t go back to old ways just because comfort calls.

• People can only meet you as far as they have met themselves. If you do not comprehend your own inner workings, how can I expect you to distinguish mine?

• Perception creates reality.

• One of the best ways I can help myself is by helping others. We often give advice that we can’t follow ourselves. I suppose it’s easier to relay a message for the eyes looking back at u than the ones you see the world through.

• Act emotionless & wear an ego shield, society sees strength. I believe vulnerability is a true reflection of strength. My need to heal simply means I was real.

Chloe Pape

Lost: unable to find one’s way; not knowing one’s whereabouts. If there’s one word to describe my life at the moment… that’s gotta be it. To be quite honest, I’m feeling more chaos & pressure than I ever have before. I don’t know where I’m headed. I don’t know what my “purpose” is, or if I even have one. And I certainly have no idea what the next 10 years will look like, let alone the rest of this week.

I had a long FaceTime call w/ my mom yesterday morning where all of that was debunked & discussed. She told me no one in their twenties really has it figured out & what social media promotes is essentially a “fake” idea or illusion that we all do. I told her it’s not so much a matter of being fake or not. But rather the fact we are living in a curated world where we have the power to show only certain aspects of our lives.

So so sweet, & yet sometimes sour. Let me tell ya, this has been quite the summer. You’ve all seen the highlights. The peaceful & pretty moments. However, I moved states with really no plan or purpose. I also flew back to Wa (for weeks at a time) twice within a two months time span. Do I absolutely love this new life? YES. Best decision ever. Yet the process of getting settled seemed to be a never ending cycle. It felt like one obstacle after another was thrown at me.

Since living in Arizona, I’ve also been bombarded with the same 3 questions:

“You at ASU?”

“Well why’d you move here?”

“Oh, well you’re just not doing school then?”

When I respond, people are 9/10 times speechless, or simply continue asking why I chose not to further my education past a 2yr degree. It seems like no one my age can wrap their head around why I came here if it wasn’t for college. These short conversations have truly opened my eyes even further to the social constructs we normalize as a society & other prominent illusions surrounding us. Sometimes I feel like I’m living my life wrong because I didn’t follow the herd. Like I’m crazy for choosing a different path.

When I quiet the noise and go within, I know I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I haven’t found a thrilling career path yet, or a job that allows my passions to flourish. But I can certainly say I have found myself. I’ve found my worth & realized what I’m capable of. Taking this time & space to be in my own energy/ presence has allowed me the necessary room to grow,

that I otherwise wouldn’t have gotten. I was previously so depressed, low vibrational, full of self-hatred, anxiety ridden, etc. And now here I am, a strong ass optimistic & independent woman. It has officially been a year since starting on what’s often referred to as the “healing journey”. 12 full months of making the conscious decision to work on both my mental & physical health as a whole.

Shadow work. Self-reflection. Cycle breaking. Laughing. Crying. Confusion.

5 steps forward. 3 steps back.

All of the above!

This growth also unintentionally led to outgrowing people, places, patterns—

basically anything that used to serve that old version of myself. I was no longer in alignment with my environment. Somehow I had outgrown my surroundings yet also finally reached a point of comfortability. I was too comfortable, to the point of stagnancy. No matter how happy I was, I knew I couldn’t just sit in that energy & expect to evolve further. Simply followed my intuition & the universe worked in mysterious ways to push me further ahead.

All attachments to the past began physically crumbling away before my own two eyes. Multiple family members I had lived close to my whole life moved away, my great grandma passed, several friendships I thought would last forever drifted into nothing, my little hammy died & I was forced to give up my bunny- both from a previous relationship, my first car from HS quite literally broke down about 8 hours in on the drive here, etc. Literally everything I once knew had magically disintegrated.

Talk about being lost! It felt like all odds were against me. However, it all turned out to be one massive blessing in disguise. Each event secretly only nudged me a little further in the right direction until I finally could take this leap of faith on my own. New girl. New home. New car. New environment. A brand new chapter in this crazy book of life. Since being in az, I’ve learned the chaos never really ends though. And neither does the healing. No one talks about transitional periods like so. And so, here I am… reminder for myself & others. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to be lost. It’s okay to live day by day. This is what I wanted, this is what I asked for, and this is what I need. No matter how scary or uncomfortable, I have zero attachment to absolutely anything! I am free to be whoever, do whatever, and live however. There’s no plan. There’s no past. There’s just the pretty present. Life ily. Ur weird and crazy and a never ending hot mess of adventures. Thx for helping me rediscover me. I can’t wait to see what you have in store.